I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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