yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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