tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
