Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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