I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
