oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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