First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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