I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
