Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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