I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
