things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
