I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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