all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
