I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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