Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
