I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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