Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
