Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
