It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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