You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
