There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
