you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
