is your mom at the bar?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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