I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
