Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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