she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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