theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Randomize
