I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
