I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Randomize
