Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
