Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
