did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
