Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
