I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
