This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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