dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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