my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
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