U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
