I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
