my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
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