Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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