Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
