I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
