You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
