i need an iv and a liver transplant
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
