Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
