we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
