advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I have already put on my inside pants.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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