I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
