i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
