...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
