Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
