WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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