i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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